Pfizer's response to Project Veritas

Dear Plebes: In plain language for normal people

This article is a layman’s interpretation of Pfizer’s response to the new Project Veritas investigation.

Dear Plebes,

We at Pfizer are aware that a recent flamboyant “diversity, equity and inclusion” hire, with the inflated hyphenated title “Director of Research and Development - Strategic Operations and mRNA Scientific Planning,” was caught on camera attempting to strategically develop some skin-to-skin with an out-of-his-league Project Veritas honeypot he met on Grindr.

While our unqualified fresh-outta-med-school “Director” didn’t exactly say we were conducting gain-of-function research, we’re going to pretend that he did, so that we can debunk it here. We’re also not going to explain the difference between gain-of-function and directed evolution so that the two procedures stay lumped together in your little pea brains for all eternity, and whenever someone brings up “directed evolution” for the rest of your life, you’ll spit out, “That’s been debunked!” like a Pavlovian dog.

So let’s get on with it.

In the development of our COVID vaccine, we didn’t do the thing we’re accused of doing. Now, we’re not talking about our future work or making any promises, and we’re not addressing what our horny, over-served diversity hire said on camera because who among us hasn’t claimed to mutate viruses in order to impress a guaranteed sure thing Grindr hookup?

Actually, we do do something like the thing we’re accused of doing and we’re not going to say if our samples come from nature or if we make them in the lab, but look! We’re doing it for your own good, and when we do do it, we publish our data behind a very expensive paywall of a snoozy scientific journal you’re never going to read so our hands are clean. You got it? We don’t like it when you read our papers anyway, so just stop.

In addition, when science creates the disease you know that science is going to sell you the cure, so, again, for your benefit, we did do the thing we said we don’t do but we did it in a laboratory culture dish, so that we can test our flaky $530 antiviral drug that may or may not cause rebound infections in just 1% of people who take it even though literally everyone you’ve ever heard of who takes it publicly announces they suffered a rebound.

And when we’re testing that drug, most of that work is done with computer simulations. We said most. Not all. And when we don’t use computer simulations, yes, we direct the evolution of the virus ourselves, but we do it with a boring part, not a sexy infectious part. Except sometimes, yes, we do engineer the whole sexy virus when we “need” to engineer the virus, with the definition of “need” being at our sole and exclusive discretion.

Look, you’re just going to have to get over it because we’re moving at the speed of science over here and you wouldn’t understand.

OK, yes, on top of all that, we do actually take that engineered virus and put it into cells but that’s OK! Because we do it in our *very secure* Biosafety level 3 laboratory that is so locked down that the virus is never getting out and don’t look up whether the Wuhan lab—the one that our own Director said released the virus—is Biosafety level 3 because it’s actually Biosafety level 4.

In closing, it’s not our fault because countries all over the world require that we do the thing we said we don’t do. We aren’t the only ones doing it, and it’s actually happening all over the place, so we get a pass on this one.

Now, if anyone reading this would like to hire a very excitable and passionate young man as a lateral transfer, we’ve got the perfect candidate for you.